Forgive or Not to Forgive, That is the feeling!

Hello everyone! I want to thank you all that have reached out and contacted me, left comments or messaged me privately. I so appreciate all the support and affirmations to what I am trying to do here! From the feedback that I have gotten so far I realize even more how important this healing process is to everyone that has been through it or known someone who has been through abuse and struggles with ” Where do I start?, Do I have to Forgive to heal? I’m so Angry! ” So I’ve thought about it for a couple of days and I know now where I want to start this!

I first want to clarify a few things; I stated that my abuser was my grandfather. Those of you that know me, know that I just lost a grandfather and I want to clarify that this was NOT the man who abused me! The grandfather I have taken care of the last 7 years was my Papa, and I lost most of my childhood with him because of the abuse from my other grandfather and the fear that I associated with all “grandfathers”, but you will see as I tell you my story how Papa and I were given a second chance at a wonderful relationship together!

Forgiveness! Hmm, it’s a tough one if you haven’t come to grips with your abuse, abuser and understand who it’s really for.  I spent years angry at my grandfather, my parents, myself and God! I didn’t understand how God could let a little girl go through something so horrific and if God truly loved me then why wasn’t he taking the pain away? I had a lot of Why’s that I wanted answers to. Why didn’t my parents see the signs of my abuse? Why did my grandmother look the other way when she knew it was going on? Why couldn’t I have been brave enough to say No, or stop way before the age of 12? Why me?  Why, Why, Why, and the list goes on and on.  So as I was internalizing all the questions, I wasn’t getting any answers from God, or so I thought. I wasn’t really looking to be honest. I wanted to be free of all it and the only  answer I was getting from my family and my Pastor was that I needed to forgive to heal. Well I struggled with this for years to come.

Until one day sitting with my therapist, and I told her I wasn’t ready to forgive, I couldn’t forgive, I was too angry to forgive, and she affirmed ALL of my feelings and told me she didn’t think I was ready to forgive either so stop trying! She had released me of the “Forgiveness” burden so that I could start healing! I was holding back the healing process because I was so focused on the forgiving process. My point in saying all of this to you is this: I didn’t know then, but forgiveness was for Me, it was part of the healing process, this process was not a 12 step program to be followed and completed within a year or so. It was on my terms, my timing and I couldn’t be forced into it. For me I think I will always be evolving and forgiving. Sometimes forgiveness means being able to forgive some parts of the abuse, but not the abuser. It may mean forgiving yourself for things you did to cope with the abuse so that you can move onto healing and forgiving the abuser. Or maybe forgiving the abuser but holding onto the acts of abuse. Whatever may be holding you back, remember that this process is for YOU, and You only. It is not “oking” what the abuser did to you, it’s not “oking” the pain or hurt that you may feel daily. It’s to release you, free you of that pain and hurt. You deserve that no matter what you may think of yourself. It’s like a gift that keeps unwrapping once you start it!

It has taken me over 15 years to forgive my grandfather because for so long I was hung up on: if I forgave him that meant it was okay what he had done. So if any of you are struggling with the forgiveness aspect to all of this, I want you to stop thinking about forgiveness in terms of that it is for the abuser or that it makes the abuse acceptable. It is for you and you only, and it does NOT mean that you will ever forget what that person has done to you. It just means that you are going to start healing, and start loving yourself! Be patient with yourself, for some people this comes easy and is quick for others a lot of memories have to be dealt with in order for the healing and forgiving to start.

Shift your perception of forgiveness to yourself, shift your perspective from victim to survivor, surrender the process and see what happens!

Lastly, I asked in my first post, If you knew what “grooming” was? All abusers use this as a tool to lure in their next victim. No matter the abuse, the abuser uses the grooming process. A child predator may use toys, candy, threats to scare to catch their next prey. A man who beats his girlfriend or wife may use gifts and excessive apologies and empty promises to groom. Someone who likes to verbally abuse will use their charm or charisma to outwit and groom the personal they are verbally assaulting into believing they are actually in the wrong! No matter the type of abuse there is grooming associated with it and it can be hard to spot because they have mastered this skill! Beware of this as adults and anyone who has kids who are coming home talking about the neighbor, family member, teacher, coach, ect that keeps giving them gifts or “treats” for good behavior or just an act of kindness! Have your guard up and be aware, not all people are bad, but it’s good to know the signs and this is a BIG one is abuse!

As this post resonates in you and you think about forgiveness, healing, anger or hurt, ask yourself what you are the most angry about, or why you are afraid of dealing with your abuse, who are you the most upset with? The answer will compel you to keep on your journey!

God Bless and Good Night!