When The Past Revisits

What do you do when the past pops up? For some of us our abuse happened years ago while others are going through it right now. So for those of you that have had years to process your abuse or at least recognize when it’s happened, this may hit home a little harder for you. While others who are just now starting to deal with the abuse, hopefully this will help you for the future.

In the last two weeks, there have been situations and people from the past that have resurfaced. It didn’t have anything to do with my abuse, however it went on during the exposure of my abuse. Therefore re-exposing some feelings of the past that I have not had to deal with for many many years. This situation brought up many feelings, one of them being betrayal. Betrayal goes hand in hand with abuse. Anyone who has been abused has been betrayed. Plain and simple it’s a betrayal of the mind, body, and spirit. So what do you do when a betrayal strikes again and reminds you of all the abuse and hurt?

Years ago, I would have reached for any drug or drink I could have gotten my hands on and soothed my pain that way. Knowing that once the high was gone, the pain would return and then I would numb myself again. It would be a vicious cycle with no good ending. I have ten years clean, thank God for that, so I didn’t contemplate numbing myself this time. I chose to take it on head on. I decided that even though I was feeling betrayed, I had to stop and realize I wasn’t actually being betrayed. When things creep back from the past that haven’t been dealt with, all those loose ends are dangling and waiting to hit you. My experience has been that when betrayed it seriously takes a toll on who you are, how you react to certain things, and how you trust. You can quickly feel “like” you’re being betrayed all over again, but in all honesty you aren’t. How we react to things lay in our hands, not our abuser, not our betrayer. So when we get into those feelings, where am I allowing the power to rest? Not in my hands at all, but in the hands of the person who betrayed me, and who hurt me.

My point is this; this is Life, and  we all will experience pain and hurt from time to time. When we are aware of our emotions and how we deal with things, we can be more in control to Decide how we want to respond to NEW pain. We don’t have to go back to the past, we can choose to stay in the present. I’m not saying this is easy. I think for anyone it will take a lot of practice and patience with yourself. I didn’t immediately figure all this out, NOT at all!! I went right back to my past, I felt hurt, I felt anger, and I was not in control of my emotions at all. It was days of processing all the events that had happened before I could step out of it enough to realize yes I’m hurt and my hurt is justified, but I have not been betrayed all over again and that is not justified!

Months ago I wrote about healing and how to heal. Well this is just another step in that process. I thing it’s ever evolving, and never-ending. We can heal little bits of ourselves when we decide to do it one step at a time. One Tear at a time. One hurt at a time. It’s healing. I’m so grateful and thankful that through all of this pain and hurt and healing process that I can teach my kids how to heal. How to talk about what they are feeling and how they can Choose to react to that feeling. What a gift to grow up with really! I’m blessed to know that good things have come out of the pain!

We Are Family

I’m dedicating this post to my niece who recently has been through a very horrible experience and through her I’ve learned even more about the pain of abuse. I think it’s important that when we learn, to share and get even more education out there. Especially if you are ” Family” of an abused person. Often you find yourselves at a loss for what to say, what to do, what to talk about or not talk about, and how to handle certain situations. It’s a difficult line that many of you walk every day and I know as a survivor I didn’t always make it easy for my family.

This is a situation where there was physical and sexual, and verbal abuse going on. She grew up in it and was groomed very well so much so that she didn’t trust anyone on her father’s side of her family for many years. She only saw her dad on the weekends for a long time. She would lie about scars, wounds ect.. she was a child and kids can be accident prone, but there were other Red Flags in this little girl that were missed.  Because let’s face it, when we have kids, we don’t rush out and by a book or do research on signs of abuse, we live in our little fairytale that it won’t happen to our children or children in our family, Right? That’s very common in all parents and unfortunately in the world we live in. Your child has more of a chance of being sexually, or physically abused than they do getting chicken pox anymore!  So like we look up the signs and symptoms of a common cold, we should be looking up signs and symptoms of abuse! This goes for family or parents of Boys too, just because they are male doesn’t mean they are safe!

After years of abuse my niece suffered she finally spoke out and told her family. She moved in with her dad full time and found much trust and comfort in her grandmother who she has lived with off and on through the last couple of years. She has found “safety” in her. Her father like most dads, in denial, shock, anger and sadness, didn’t really know how to deal with this situation. Took her to a therapist, but she had learned how to lie so well she completely snowed the therapist. Boiling with her anger,sadness,poor self-esteem, ect.. the list goes on and on, she continued to spiral out of control and her father just didn’t know how to handle it other than giving her what life he thought she should have and try to help her with what interests she had. This is all good, but the big thing was being missed, Getting her help and open communication between them. Her rebellion became the main focus and she was left feeling inadequate and not good enough and started making poor choices.  She recently ran away and would not tell any of us where she was. I’ve talked her a lot in the last year and we were making progress with her memories and feelings of her childhood, lack of a mother, and feelings of general mistrust. Sadly it wasn’t enough or often enough to get her to a place of really healing and moving past the abuse. She felt alone, angry and left.

When she did call home to her grandmother she would ask about her dad, what did he say, is he angry, does he miss me? She was reaching out, but again the focus was on the “behavior” of what she had done. I’m not condoning her actions in running away, but I understand her actions, her anger, her mistrust and her sadness. I wanted to get through to her that no matter what was going on, her family loved her. Her grandmother did a fine job of communicating with her on the phone, and her and I would talk everyday almost and I would try to help her understand where she was at mentally because it’s foreign to someone who hasn’t been there.

We all need to become more available to each other emotionally. All of us that have been abused are “family”, we understand each other sometimes when the world doesn’t or when our own family doesn’t. Parents, your child wants to talk to you, maybe not about details of the abuse, but why they are angry, sad, depressed, suicidal maybe ect.. they want to know that what they have been through is of interest to you and that you care. It will be a long road for her, she is home now, Thank God, but some damage has been done for sure and even more damage to her trust in men, and family.

Reach out to people who love you, if you feel alone, my email is on the home page, contact me. If you have no one in your life that understands you, I do and I will gladly communicate with you.

Do you have a story of needing family, or are you a family member who doesn’t understand this process and feels lost in it? If so, please contact me with any questions or comments.

There are support groups out there as well and I encourage any family member of an abused person to go to some, you don’t have to talk, just listen.

 

I’ll be seeing you,

M.

Serenity and the Smokies

Pic of my boys with New Found Gap behind them. One of the only pics saved from our vacation 😦

Let me start by apologizing for not posting while on vacation. I’ve had more technological issues in the last 7 days than I have in my whole life. Between shotty wi-fi, and my phone crashing and losing all of our pictures, it’s been a rough and impossible week to post! I apologize though because I do not like setting an expectation and not meeting it! This post will be a bit longer than normal as I have quite a bit to say, so I hope that you continue to read and take the time. Hopefully it will be worth it  🙂

For those of you who don’t know me, I live in Florida, flat, hot, humid, but beautiful beaches which keep me here! Driving into the foothills of the mountains in north Georgia brought me back to memories of my childhood, looking out the passenger window and seeing these magnificent hills growing and growing until you get into North Carolina and you understand why they are called the Smoky Mountains! They literally reach the sky up into the clouds! I’m still in awe of their beauty and demanding presence; they take over your mind and spirit. Their is a calmness and serenity to them that captures your soul instantly. I loved watching my husband and two boys as we got up into the mountains and they too in awe and wonder of something so much bigger than ourselves. It was simply incredible.

Memories flooded my mind as we passed places and attractions that I had been to so many years ago with my parents and now there I was with my children. It was a beautiful full circle moment for me, because there was a time in my life that I thought a family vacation with kids, my kids, would never happen! Certainly not a vacation like this! I loved reminiscing with them and they enjoyed hearing the stories about mom when she was little doing the same thing they were doing. My heart leaped as I thought to myself,” they are experiencing all these awesome, fun, wonderful things and they don’t have the thought of abuse in the back of their mind.”

” They are not worried what might happen tonight when they go to bed, they can totally enjoy and soak up this memory and fun time!” That is priceless to me because in all the fun memories I have of the mountains they are tainted with abuse and a feeling of underlying fear. So while I was doing all these fun things all over again with my kids, I too was making new memories for myself! I too was no longer worried about going to bed because I went to bed with the warm comfort of my husband’s loving arms every night and the there was NO underlying feeling of fear! Whew… what more could I ask for?

As we approached the town that my grandparents’ place was I started feeling uneasy and nervous. What if I couldn’t do it, what if I totally lost it in front of my children?  I became very anxious and almost decided to turn around, and then that little girl spoke up as if she was in charge of this mission, not me, and said, NO, No…we’ve made it this far and we need to do this. I reluctantly agreed and proceeded with caution. I kept telling myself that I am not these feelings, I’m simply the vehicle for the feelings and I’m not a little girl, I am a woman who’s all grown up and away from any harm. When we pulled in to the park I couldn’t believe how much time had stood still there. Hardly anything looked different, and in fact that payphone that I called home in desperation was still there! I looked at my husband as he was cautiously reading my face and knowing at any moment I could burst into tears. He was keeping me grounded whether he knew it or not. I told him where to turn and when we got to the hill that I ran down, I was shocked that in my memory it looked so large, but really wasn’t all that large at all! I saw the cabin and noticed the difference in paint and an addition car port, but other than that, the place had not changed at all! I was quickly greeted by a neighbor and I told them who I was and that I would like to meet the new owners and ask permission to walk around. The new owner who is the owner that bought the place from my grandparents was very warm and friendly and told me that I was welcome to walk around, take pictures and show my husband and children.

I approached the cabin and the windows were open, the smell from the cabin came flooding out to the open air and I was instantly taken back to my childhood. The smell was exactly the same as if my grandparents were still there and I was in shock; tears flooded my eyes as I thought about the memories that existed on the other side of the door. I walked in and again, the place looked the same. The current owners have kept some of the furnishings that my grandparents left when they sold it and so it was like stepping back into time. Everything was the same down to the comforter on the bed! I had not prepped myself for this at all! I took pictures of everything because I was just in shock how nothing had changed. Same tables, couch, decorations, stove, refrigerator, and smell!! It was a sweet smell mixed with wood and mountain air. A clean smell and I thought how dirty the memories to such a sweet smelling dwelling.  I walked through the place like it was a national museum touching and remembering good and bad. Showing my kids things and walking them around to the back yard where I used to climb up the mountain and go for adventurous hikes when I was younger with my brother. The creek that sat behind and below their place is where I use to escape to and be alone. It has dried up now and at first I was saddened about that,but then I thought to myself, like the past, it is gone and so is my fear, my sadness. Like the creek it has dried up! A smile emerged and in that moment by what use to be that old creek, I told that little girl thank you for all she had done and that we had climbed the mountain of healing together and had found the other side. I took a deep breath and as I exhaled, I released all the bad feelings surrounding that cabin and embraced the good. I was thrilled the creek was gone, and I didn’t need to escape to it anymore!

I turned to see my husband and boys watching me and smiled through tears and have never been so thankful for all I have in my life. For all the bad that was endured has lead me to this exact moment in my life. I have learned nothing is more precious than this moment in time. Every minute of every day to have my family, to have my amazing friends, and  to have struggled, but to have learned so much. How to love, how to forgive, how to embrace the bad to find the good, how to hurt and how to heal. It’s all a journey. An ongoing journey to always be growing and learning and living; to just exist would be an insult!

I will never completely understand all the Why’s behind my sexual abuse, but what I do understand is this. It doesn’t define me, it is not who I am. I am a survivor and for whatever reason behind it, I was meant to have the life I’ve had and I could not make choices for myself as a child, but I can now and I chose to live the best life I can possibly have with my family, with my friends and with everything I love!

I hope and pray that you all too choose to live and not let your abuse define your life and who you are. Climb that mountain of healing and forgiveness, get out of victim role and step into survivor and take charge of your life. I’ll promise you this; you will not regret it when you get to the top of the mountain and look down on all that you’ve accomplished and find serenity!

I’ll be seeing you!

M.

Come Away With Me….

 

 

Well today we leave for a family vacation, which is a first in 5 years! So the excitement in the house is indescribable as you can imagine  🙂

No, me going on vacation has nothing to do with sexual abuse, however what I will be doing on vacation does!

My grandparents use to have a cabin in North Carolina, which as a child my family visited every summer! I have many great memories of the Smoky Mountains and playing with my brother in cold streams,exploring, catching lightening bugs, and tubing with my cousins. I also have dark memories of abuse that took place in the cabin and on the mountain in which they lived on. A few times I went to NC alone with my grandparents. My parents sending me off, thinking I would have a great time and why wouldn’t they? He was to be trusted. However, he took this free time and abuse across states lines and mountains and there was no safe place from him. I thought he would leave me alone when I was up there, but I was wrong. Sexually abusing me was an addiction to him and he was getting his fix no matter the state we were in physically.

This is also the place that I found my voice at 13 years old and conquered the fear of saying the word, ” NO” to him. I was up there to spend 2 weeks with them and as usual within a few days of being up there he started abusing me, and romancing me. For the first time in my life I had a boyfriend and I realized he was treating me like my boyfriend did. Complimenting me, bringing me gifts, and trying to please me in a non grandfather way. I realized how wrong this was and knew it had been, but because of fear of the unknown and all the threats he had taught me to believe, I just froze and went into self-protection mode and survival mode and kept quiet. The little girl inside me who was growing up and had protected me all these years was taking over and giving me the courage to stop the abuse.

I will never forget that moment in the cabin when he sneaked into my bed at night while my grandmother was asleep. He was naked from the waist down and he grabbed me and pulled me onto him. I froze as usual and then something clicked in me and I said,”NO!”, ” Get off of me, you will never touch me again and if you do I will tell everyone what you’ve been doing to me.” I got up and ran down the mountain in my pajamas to a pay phone near some cottages that sat below their place. I called home frantically to my mom and dad and insisted they come and get me NOW! Of course I couldn’t tell them what was going on, and so I made up a lie that I was terribly homesick and sick and that I needed to come home. Luckily the urgency in my voice was convincing enough and they left that night and drove 12 hours to pick me up! I’ve not been back since!

I have decided to go to that cabin while I’m up there this coming week. I want to be in that space as a grown woman, who is safe and not threatened by him any longer. I want to thank that little girl inside of me for that moment of courage and be there to see the landscape differently and set a different memory with that space. It’s a wonderful tool to use when you’re in the process of healing to experience things differently than you did when abuse was taking place. To know how much you’ve healed and to begin to heal even more. Sure, not everyone needs to do what I’m doing, but I’ve done it with every place he abused me because they have been local and I know how healing it has been for me to do so and so I feel compelled to do it with this space as well. I invite you to come along with me. I will be posting pictures and blogs that will give you insight to my continued journey of healing and surviving sexual abuse!

My beloved therapist, after hearing what I was getting ready to do, reminded me of this and I wanted to share it with all of you:

You are not the feelings, emotions, sensations, perceptions, be they anger, sadness,

            fear, joy, bliss, what ever ~~~ you are the AWARENESS that knows of the anger, sadness, fear,  joy, bliss. 

 

            And, one more time ~~~ you are that (the awareness)

            which knows of the feelings, emotions, perceptions……..

 

            And again; “I am the AWARENESS that knows of the feelings, emotions, sensations, perceptions……………….”

And as always, I’m in awe and gracious for the continued support from all of you and the chance to help so many others through my story!

I ask for prayers and support from you all as I go on this next journey!

I’ll be seeing you,

M.

 

Forgive or Not to Forgive, That is the feeling!

Hello everyone! I want to thank you all that have reached out and contacted me, left comments or messaged me privately. I so appreciate all the support and affirmations to what I am trying to do here! From the feedback that I have gotten so far I realize even more how important this healing process is to everyone that has been through it or known someone who has been through abuse and struggles with ” Where do I start?, Do I have to Forgive to heal? I’m so Angry! ” So I’ve thought about it for a couple of days and I know now where I want to start this!

I first want to clarify a few things; I stated that my abuser was my grandfather. Those of you that know me, know that I just lost a grandfather and I want to clarify that this was NOT the man who abused me! The grandfather I have taken care of the last 7 years was my Papa, and I lost most of my childhood with him because of the abuse from my other grandfather and the fear that I associated with all “grandfathers”, but you will see as I tell you my story how Papa and I were given a second chance at a wonderful relationship together!

Forgiveness! Hmm, it’s a tough one if you haven’t come to grips with your abuse, abuser and understand who it’s really for.  I spent years angry at my grandfather, my parents, myself and God! I didn’t understand how God could let a little girl go through something so horrific and if God truly loved me then why wasn’t he taking the pain away? I had a lot of Why’s that I wanted answers to. Why didn’t my parents see the signs of my abuse? Why did my grandmother look the other way when she knew it was going on? Why couldn’t I have been brave enough to say No, or stop way before the age of 12? Why me?  Why, Why, Why, and the list goes on and on.  So as I was internalizing all the questions, I wasn’t getting any answers from God, or so I thought. I wasn’t really looking to be honest. I wanted to be free of all it and the only  answer I was getting from my family and my Pastor was that I needed to forgive to heal. Well I struggled with this for years to come.

Until one day sitting with my therapist, and I told her I wasn’t ready to forgive, I couldn’t forgive, I was too angry to forgive, and she affirmed ALL of my feelings and told me she didn’t think I was ready to forgive either so stop trying! She had released me of the “Forgiveness” burden so that I could start healing! I was holding back the healing process because I was so focused on the forgiving process. My point in saying all of this to you is this: I didn’t know then, but forgiveness was for Me, it was part of the healing process, this process was not a 12 step program to be followed and completed within a year or so. It was on my terms, my timing and I couldn’t be forced into it. For me I think I will always be evolving and forgiving. Sometimes forgiveness means being able to forgive some parts of the abuse, but not the abuser. It may mean forgiving yourself for things you did to cope with the abuse so that you can move onto healing and forgiving the abuser. Or maybe forgiving the abuser but holding onto the acts of abuse. Whatever may be holding you back, remember that this process is for YOU, and You only. It is not “oking” what the abuser did to you, it’s not “oking” the pain or hurt that you may feel daily. It’s to release you, free you of that pain and hurt. You deserve that no matter what you may think of yourself. It’s like a gift that keeps unwrapping once you start it!

It has taken me over 15 years to forgive my grandfather because for so long I was hung up on: if I forgave him that meant it was okay what he had done. So if any of you are struggling with the forgiveness aspect to all of this, I want you to stop thinking about forgiveness in terms of that it is for the abuser or that it makes the abuse acceptable. It is for you and you only, and it does NOT mean that you will ever forget what that person has done to you. It just means that you are going to start healing, and start loving yourself! Be patient with yourself, for some people this comes easy and is quick for others a lot of memories have to be dealt with in order for the healing and forgiving to start.

Shift your perception of forgiveness to yourself, shift your perspective from victim to survivor, surrender the process and see what happens!

Lastly, I asked in my first post, If you knew what “grooming” was? All abusers use this as a tool to lure in their next victim. No matter the abuse, the abuser uses the grooming process. A child predator may use toys, candy, threats to scare to catch their next prey. A man who beats his girlfriend or wife may use gifts and excessive apologies and empty promises to groom. Someone who likes to verbally abuse will use their charm or charisma to outwit and groom the personal they are verbally assaulting into believing they are actually in the wrong! No matter the type of abuse there is grooming associated with it and it can be hard to spot because they have mastered this skill! Beware of this as adults and anyone who has kids who are coming home talking about the neighbor, family member, teacher, coach, ect that keeps giving them gifts or “treats” for good behavior or just an act of kindness! Have your guard up and be aware, not all people are bad, but it’s good to know the signs and this is a BIG one is abuse!

As this post resonates in you and you think about forgiveness, healing, anger or hurt, ask yourself what you are the most angry about, or why you are afraid of dealing with your abuse, who are you the most upset with? The answer will compel you to keep on your journey!

God Bless and Good Night!