We Are Family

I’m dedicating this post to my niece who recently has been through a very horrible experience and through her I’ve learned even more about the pain of abuse. I think it’s important that when we learn, to share and get even more education out there. Especially if you are ” Family” of an abused person. Often you find yourselves at a loss for what to say, what to do, what to talk about or not talk about, and how to handle certain situations. It’s a difficult line that many of you walk every day and I know as a survivor I didn’t always make it easy for my family.

This is a situation where there was physical and sexual, and verbal abuse going on. She grew up in it and was groomed very well so much so that she didn’t trust anyone on her father’s side of her family for many years. She only saw her dad on the weekends for a long time. She would lie about scars, wounds ect.. she was a child and kids can be accident prone, but there were other Red Flags in this little girl that were missed.  Because let’s face it, when we have kids, we don’t rush out and by a book or do research on signs of abuse, we live in our little fairytale that it won’t happen to our children or children in our family, Right? That’s very common in all parents and unfortunately in the world we live in. Your child has more of a chance of being sexually, or physically abused than they do getting chicken pox anymore!  So like we look up the signs and symptoms of a common cold, we should be looking up signs and symptoms of abuse! This goes for family or parents of Boys too, just because they are male doesn’t mean they are safe!

After years of abuse my niece suffered she finally spoke out and told her family. She moved in with her dad full time and found much trust and comfort in her grandmother who she has lived with off and on through the last couple of years. She has found “safety” in her. Her father like most dads, in denial, shock, anger and sadness, didn’t really know how to deal with this situation. Took her to a therapist, but she had learned how to lie so well she completely snowed the therapist. Boiling with her anger,sadness,poor self-esteem, ect.. the list goes on and on, she continued to spiral out of control and her father just didn’t know how to handle it other than giving her what life he thought she should have and try to help her with what interests she had. This is all good, but the big thing was being missed, Getting her help and open communication between them. Her rebellion became the main focus and she was left feeling inadequate and not good enough and started making poor choices.  She recently ran away and would not tell any of us where she was. I’ve talked her a lot in the last year and we were making progress with her memories and feelings of her childhood, lack of a mother, and feelings of general mistrust. Sadly it wasn’t enough or often enough to get her to a place of really healing and moving past the abuse. She felt alone, angry and left.

When she did call home to her grandmother she would ask about her dad, what did he say, is he angry, does he miss me? She was reaching out, but again the focus was on the “behavior” of what she had done. I’m not condoning her actions in running away, but I understand her actions, her anger, her mistrust and her sadness. I wanted to get through to her that no matter what was going on, her family loved her. Her grandmother did a fine job of communicating with her on the phone, and her and I would talk everyday almost and I would try to help her understand where she was at mentally because it’s foreign to someone who hasn’t been there.

We all need to become more available to each other emotionally. All of us that have been abused are “family”, we understand each other sometimes when the world doesn’t or when our own family doesn’t. Parents, your child wants to talk to you, maybe not about details of the abuse, but why they are angry, sad, depressed, suicidal maybe ect.. they want to know that what they have been through is of interest to you and that you care. It will be a long road for her, she is home now, Thank God, but some damage has been done for sure and even more damage to her trust in men, and family.

Reach out to people who love you, if you feel alone, my email is on the home page, contact me. If you have no one in your life that understands you, I do and I will gladly communicate with you.

Do you have a story of needing family, or are you a family member who doesn’t understand this process and feels lost in it? If so, please contact me with any questions or comments.

There are support groups out there as well and I encourage any family member of an abused person to go to some, you don’t have to talk, just listen.

 

I’ll be seeing you,

M.

Serenity and the Smokies

Pic of my boys with New Found Gap behind them. One of the only pics saved from our vacation 😦

Let me start by apologizing for not posting while on vacation. I’ve had more technological issues in the last 7 days than I have in my whole life. Between shotty wi-fi, and my phone crashing and losing all of our pictures, it’s been a rough and impossible week to post! I apologize though because I do not like setting an expectation and not meeting it! This post will be a bit longer than normal as I have quite a bit to say, so I hope that you continue to read and take the time. Hopefully it will be worth it  🙂

For those of you who don’t know me, I live in Florida, flat, hot, humid, but beautiful beaches which keep me here! Driving into the foothills of the mountains in north Georgia brought me back to memories of my childhood, looking out the passenger window and seeing these magnificent hills growing and growing until you get into North Carolina and you understand why they are called the Smoky Mountains! They literally reach the sky up into the clouds! I’m still in awe of their beauty and demanding presence; they take over your mind and spirit. Their is a calmness and serenity to them that captures your soul instantly. I loved watching my husband and two boys as we got up into the mountains and they too in awe and wonder of something so much bigger than ourselves. It was simply incredible.

Memories flooded my mind as we passed places and attractions that I had been to so many years ago with my parents and now there I was with my children. It was a beautiful full circle moment for me, because there was a time in my life that I thought a family vacation with kids, my kids, would never happen! Certainly not a vacation like this! I loved reminiscing with them and they enjoyed hearing the stories about mom when she was little doing the same thing they were doing. My heart leaped as I thought to myself,” they are experiencing all these awesome, fun, wonderful things and they don’t have the thought of abuse in the back of their mind.”

” They are not worried what might happen tonight when they go to bed, they can totally enjoy and soak up this memory and fun time!” That is priceless to me because in all the fun memories I have of the mountains they are tainted with abuse and a feeling of underlying fear. So while I was doing all these fun things all over again with my kids, I too was making new memories for myself! I too was no longer worried about going to bed because I went to bed with the warm comfort of my husband’s loving arms every night and the there was NO underlying feeling of fear! Whew… what more could I ask for?

As we approached the town that my grandparents’ place was I started feeling uneasy and nervous. What if I couldn’t do it, what if I totally lost it in front of my children?  I became very anxious and almost decided to turn around, and then that little girl spoke up as if she was in charge of this mission, not me, and said, NO, No…we’ve made it this far and we need to do this. I reluctantly agreed and proceeded with caution. I kept telling myself that I am not these feelings, I’m simply the vehicle for the feelings and I’m not a little girl, I am a woman who’s all grown up and away from any harm. When we pulled in to the park I couldn’t believe how much time had stood still there. Hardly anything looked different, and in fact that payphone that I called home in desperation was still there! I looked at my husband as he was cautiously reading my face and knowing at any moment I could burst into tears. He was keeping me grounded whether he knew it or not. I told him where to turn and when we got to the hill that I ran down, I was shocked that in my memory it looked so large, but really wasn’t all that large at all! I saw the cabin and noticed the difference in paint and an addition car port, but other than that, the place had not changed at all! I was quickly greeted by a neighbor and I told them who I was and that I would like to meet the new owners and ask permission to walk around. The new owner who is the owner that bought the place from my grandparents was very warm and friendly and told me that I was welcome to walk around, take pictures and show my husband and children.

I approached the cabin and the windows were open, the smell from the cabin came flooding out to the open air and I was instantly taken back to my childhood. The smell was exactly the same as if my grandparents were still there and I was in shock; tears flooded my eyes as I thought about the memories that existed on the other side of the door. I walked in and again, the place looked the same. The current owners have kept some of the furnishings that my grandparents left when they sold it and so it was like stepping back into time. Everything was the same down to the comforter on the bed! I had not prepped myself for this at all! I took pictures of everything because I was just in shock how nothing had changed. Same tables, couch, decorations, stove, refrigerator, and smell!! It was a sweet smell mixed with wood and mountain air. A clean smell and I thought how dirty the memories to such a sweet smelling dwelling.  I walked through the place like it was a national museum touching and remembering good and bad. Showing my kids things and walking them around to the back yard where I used to climb up the mountain and go for adventurous hikes when I was younger with my brother. The creek that sat behind and below their place is where I use to escape to and be alone. It has dried up now and at first I was saddened about that,but then I thought to myself, like the past, it is gone and so is my fear, my sadness. Like the creek it has dried up! A smile emerged and in that moment by what use to be that old creek, I told that little girl thank you for all she had done and that we had climbed the mountain of healing together and had found the other side. I took a deep breath and as I exhaled, I released all the bad feelings surrounding that cabin and embraced the good. I was thrilled the creek was gone, and I didn’t need to escape to it anymore!

I turned to see my husband and boys watching me and smiled through tears and have never been so thankful for all I have in my life. For all the bad that was endured has lead me to this exact moment in my life. I have learned nothing is more precious than this moment in time. Every minute of every day to have my family, to have my amazing friends, and  to have struggled, but to have learned so much. How to love, how to forgive, how to embrace the bad to find the good, how to hurt and how to heal. It’s all a journey. An ongoing journey to always be growing and learning and living; to just exist would be an insult!

I will never completely understand all the Why’s behind my sexual abuse, but what I do understand is this. It doesn’t define me, it is not who I am. I am a survivor and for whatever reason behind it, I was meant to have the life I’ve had and I could not make choices for myself as a child, but I can now and I chose to live the best life I can possibly have with my family, with my friends and with everything I love!

I hope and pray that you all too choose to live and not let your abuse define your life and who you are. Climb that mountain of healing and forgiveness, get out of victim role and step into survivor and take charge of your life. I’ll promise you this; you will not regret it when you get to the top of the mountain and look down on all that you’ve accomplished and find serenity!

I’ll be seeing you!

M.

Abuser or Enabler ?

I had a very hard time dealing with the fact that my grandmother knew the abuse was taking place and turning a blind eye! I have memories upon memories of her walking into the room while he was molesting me and her turning around and shutting the door as if to give us privacy. I have a memory of her putting me in the bathtub and “cleaning” me before my unknowing parents arrived to pick me up after a weekend visit! She didn’t just okay what he was doing, she participated in the act! When my grandfather was finally confronted and it all came to the surface she was also confronted on her part of it which she totally down played as if she had amnesia and didn’t remember any of it. She knew something wasn’t “right” she said, but never did she think that was going on and if so then I must have liked it because I had never said anything to her or anyone else!!  It was my fault that I had climbed up in his lap as an innocent 3 year old and he took advantage!

There is a fine line between enabling something and also abusing. For me I feel like she was both. Anyone who can stand in the balance and know abuse is taking place, but turn a blind eye is enabling the abuse to continue. Anyone who can assist the abuser by cleaning up the situation or lying for them is an abuser themselves!

She would later say to me that she was sorry, but he was her husband and you didn’t go against your husband! She told me that one day when I was married I would understand! Well I can tell you that I am married and if my husband ever did anything to harm a child, (which he never would) I would Never be able to look the other way! Especially my own flesh and blood! This was insanity!

I often think how different my life would have been had she stepped up and protected me and stopped the abuse.  What a thought! I would not have thought of myself as an object for so many years, but a person. I would not have known the fear of men to the point that I lost my whole childhood with my other grandfather who was love and kindness. I would have trusted more and loved with wild abandon perhaps. I would have walked with my graduating class instead of being in a mental institution and going to homeschool because I was such a rebellious teen who was hooked on cocaine to numb the pain. I would have experienced homecoming dances and prom.  I would have had respect for myself instead of throwing myself at men who were undeserving of me.  Maybe I would not have lost the friends that I have because it was so hard to be my friend back then.  There are a lot of things that perhaps would have been very different for me, but  I don’t get angry anymore because I know I am exactly who I am supposed to be and without the experiences I’ve had I would not be. I also know I made a lot of my own choices and I knew wrong from right, but couldn’t see past the pain to pick those.

If you find yourself in a position where you know someone is abusing a person, you have a duty to tell and protect that person.  The victim probably can’t find their voice, or they have been groomed so well that they don’t realize abuse is taking place yet. This applies to ANY type of abuse, not just sexual abuse.  Imagine what you could be giving back to them by speaking up or speaking out. You could be giving them a life that they aren’t even aware they deserve or think they want! People are under the assumption that it’s none of their business or maybe I’m wrong. Saving a life is ALL of our businesses and again, intuition is the most powerful tool when used correctly.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

~ Mark Twain