Hello Everyone! I’m sorry I’ve not had a recent blog, there were some personal matters that consumed all my time and I don’t ever want to throw something together with out feeling it’s thought out and what you need to hear. So I chose to just take a break and get my things done and then come back with even more perspective.
I have received both emails and comments from a lot of you, and I must say that I”m overwhelmed with gratitude to you all. I feel honored that you read this blog and have shared with so many others. I’ve heard from people all around the world that my blog is reaching them, and helping them better understand what happened to them or a loved one! This is truly an answer to prayer and affirmation that I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing, so Thank You so much for that!
I also received a lot of questions, and comments from the post,” Was I Abused, Really?” So I want to use this post to get a little deeper into the markers or red flags for abuse. This is an important thing to understand because some of these markers people can have and not have been abused, but statistically if these red flags exist some kind of abuse did as well. I’m going to break this up into two posts because it’s a lot of information and this blog would take you an hour to read! Parents, Grandparents, Aunts/Uncles, Teachers ect…any person who is around children or teens, please pay close attention to the following signs :
Is the child/teen sexually mature beyond his/her years? Meaning: Does the child act promiscuous, is she/he using sexual language that at their age they should not even know?
Is the child/teen acting out sexual gestures? Meaning: dancing promiscuous at a young age, demonstrating sexual gestures( i.e, self stimulation, acting out on toys or dolls, making their toys do explicit gestures as “playing.”)
Has the child nicknamed anyone close to them a strange nickname? For example, at age 4 I nicknamed my grandfather, Boo Boo, everyone I thought I did this because of a scratch he had, but really I nicknamed him that because he was giving me Boo Boo’s! A very big sign I gave to everyone, but they missed it because no one knew any red flags and never suspected he would be doing something like that. I wonder to this day if he got it though and did it make him nervous that I called him that?
Has the child had any unexplained injury or illness in the pubic or anal area? For example, anal bleeding, vaginal bleeding before puberty, ( this is a HUGE sign and can be misdiagnosed even by the doctor as it was for me when I was 8 years old!) Get a second or third opinion if your doctor doesn’t even discuss the possibility of abuse.
Early puberty that is Not common in the family line. Meaning: early menstruation, early breast development ect.. when sexual abuse has gone on it releases hormones at an early age and can cause premature puberty. Also in boys, but research shows it is not as common for males.
Does the child/teen exhibit tantrums, headaches, stomach aches that there is no medical reasoning for? Meaning: many times in girls an extreme amount of stress and anxiety can cause headaches that when taken to a doctor they can not find a medical reason for the headaches. In boys it’s usually stomach aches that has no medical reasoning. Now clearly these symptoms can be caused by stress and anxiety not related to abuse, but if this child has any other markers you should pay attention!
Does the child lie or manipulate well beyond his years? For example: when a child is being abused they are being groomed,( read prior post on grooming for more information) many times this grooming process includes teaching the child to lie and lie very well! A 4-5 year old does not know how to make up an elaborate lie with twists and turns in it on their own, but one who has been taught how to lie to hide something does have the ability to do this. A child who constantly lies just to lie when the truth would suit them better usually doesn’t know any better and doesn’t realize they are doing anything wrong. A good manipulator at an early age and into teen years should be a red flag!!
Extrovert or Introvert ? Now there are children that are just naturally shy or naturally friendly. I’m not talking about this, I’m speaking of the children that are afraid to talk, delayed speech in some cases, won’t say certain words because of bad associations to the word, or the extreme opposite. These kids are overly friendly to strangers, will sit on adults laps with no prompt, may kiss and hug people they just met with an almost sexual promiscuity to it. Again, Dancing in a sexual way where kids that age would not have had any knowledge exists and doing it for the attention of others.
As a Teen, Is the teen sexually promiscuous or socially introverted? Meaning: Does the teen dress or try to dress sexually promiscuously which is inappropriate for their age? Or does the teen dress in a way that completely covers themselves up to the point where it is clear they are trying to hide their body. A sexually promiscuous teen will have many boyfriends/girlfriends that will probably treat them bad or abusive, cheat on them, overly sexual with them, and engage in self-destructive behavior. An introverted teen will probably never date and if they do, won’t date many people. Will have friends later in teen years, but early on stick to themselves because they trust no one!
Does the child/teen struggle with weight or body image issues? Meaning: I’m ugly, I’m fat, I hate my body, but they are beautiful, not fat at all and have no real reason to have such a low body image. The flip side of this is a child/teen that is overweight or yo yo’s in weight their whole lives with no chemical or genetic reason for it. No thyroid issues, ect.. Many times a child/teen who has been abused for years will go back and forth between covering up or promiscuous and then others commit to one that “feels” right for them and that’s how they live their whole lives.
Does the child/teen have unexplained feelings of guilt or insecurities about life? Meaning: I’m bad because…. fill in the blank, I’m not worthy of love from anyone, all people are out to hurt me because I’m a bad person, I’ve let a lot of people down because of my behavior, but have not done anything to prompt this statement. If someone loves me then they will do …… fill in the blank. They have an irrational, and incorrect definition of love based on the abuse. I believed that a man would only fall in love with me if I had sex with them. I believed that all men lie and deep down are evil creatures. I believed that I was put on this earth for a man’s pleasure. These were all lies that my abuser taught me while the years of abuse went on. Let’s remember I was 3 when this started and 12 when it ended so for 9 years this is what I was being taught and groomed to believe. I was a bad little girl and he was going to make me a good little girl because he was teaching me all these things! I BELIEVED him and it has taken years to undo all the lies.
Please remember, some children may exhibit one or two of these signs and possibly not been abused, but if you have a child that exhibits many or all of these signs then you should seek some professional help. Never come out and ask a child if they been touched or abused. I can almost guarantee you they will lie and say NO out of fear and the lies they have been taught to believe if they do speak out. Seek professional help and let a counselor guide you through how to bring the truth out.
I’m going to end this here and may actually have to make this into 3 or 4 parts because there is just too much to cover and I understand if the posts are too long and take too long to read people won’t read them and then my message isn’t getting out there! 🙂
See you soon!