Pic of my boys with New Found Gap behind them. One of the only pics saved from our vacation 😦
Let me start by apologizing for not posting while on vacation. I’ve had more technological issues in the last 7 days than I have in my whole life. Between shotty wi-fi, and my phone crashing and losing all of our pictures, it’s been a rough and impossible week to post! I apologize though because I do not like setting an expectation and not meeting it! This post will be a bit longer than normal as I have quite a bit to say, so I hope that you continue to read and take the time. Hopefully it will be worth it 🙂
For those of you who don’t know me, I live in Florida, flat, hot, humid, but beautiful beaches which keep me here! Driving into the foothills of the mountains in north Georgia brought me back to memories of my childhood, looking out the passenger window and seeing these magnificent hills growing and growing until you get into North Carolina and you understand why they are called the Smoky Mountains! They literally reach the sky up into the clouds! I’m still in awe of their beauty and demanding presence; they take over your mind and spirit. Their is a calmness and serenity to them that captures your soul instantly. I loved watching my husband and two boys as we got up into the mountains and they too in awe and wonder of something so much bigger than ourselves. It was simply incredible.
Memories flooded my mind as we passed places and attractions that I had been to so many years ago with my parents and now there I was with my children. It was a beautiful full circle moment for me, because there was a time in my life that I thought a family vacation with kids, my kids, would never happen! Certainly not a vacation like this! I loved reminiscing with them and they enjoyed hearing the stories about mom when she was little doing the same thing they were doing. My heart leaped as I thought to myself,” they are experiencing all these awesome, fun, wonderful things and they don’t have the thought of abuse in the back of their mind.”
” They are not worried what might happen tonight when they go to bed, they can totally enjoy and soak up this memory and fun time!” That is priceless to me because in all the fun memories I have of the mountains they are tainted with abuse and a feeling of underlying fear. So while I was doing all these fun things all over again with my kids, I too was making new memories for myself! I too was no longer worried about going to bed because I went to bed with the warm comfort of my husband’s loving arms every night and the there was NO underlying feeling of fear! Whew… what more could I ask for?
As we approached the town that my grandparents’ place was I started feeling uneasy and nervous. What if I couldn’t do it, what if I totally lost it in front of my children? I became very anxious and almost decided to turn around, and then that little girl spoke up as if she was in charge of this mission, not me, and said, NO, No…we’ve made it this far and we need to do this. I reluctantly agreed and proceeded with caution. I kept telling myself that I am not these feelings, I’m simply the vehicle for the feelings and I’m not a little girl, I am a woman who’s all grown up and away from any harm. When we pulled in to the park I couldn’t believe how much time had stood still there. Hardly anything looked different, and in fact that payphone that I called home in desperation was still there! I looked at my husband as he was cautiously reading my face and knowing at any moment I could burst into tears. He was keeping me grounded whether he knew it or not. I told him where to turn and when we got to the hill that I ran down, I was shocked that in my memory it looked so large, but really wasn’t all that large at all! I saw the cabin and noticed the difference in paint and an addition car port, but other than that, the place had not changed at all! I was quickly greeted by a neighbor and I told them who I was and that I would like to meet the new owners and ask permission to walk around. The new owner who is the owner that bought the place from my grandparents was very warm and friendly and told me that I was welcome to walk around, take pictures and show my husband and children.
I approached the cabin and the windows were open, the smell from the cabin came flooding out to the open air and I was instantly taken back to my childhood. The smell was exactly the same as if my grandparents were still there and I was in shock; tears flooded my eyes as I thought about the memories that existed on the other side of the door. I walked in and again, the place looked the same. The current owners have kept some of the furnishings that my grandparents left when they sold it and so it was like stepping back into time. Everything was the same down to the comforter on the bed! I had not prepped myself for this at all! I took pictures of everything because I was just in shock how nothing had changed. Same tables, couch, decorations, stove, refrigerator, and smell!! It was a sweet smell mixed with wood and mountain air. A clean smell and I thought how dirty the memories to such a sweet smelling dwelling. I walked through the place like it was a national museum touching and remembering good and bad. Showing my kids things and walking them around to the back yard where I used to climb up the mountain and go for adventurous hikes when I was younger with my brother. The creek that sat behind and below their place is where I use to escape to and be alone. It has dried up now and at first I was saddened about that,but then I thought to myself, like the past, it is gone and so is my fear, my sadness. Like the creek it has dried up! A smile emerged and in that moment by what use to be that old creek, I told that little girl thank you for all she had done and that we had climbed the mountain of healing together and had found the other side. I took a deep breath and as I exhaled, I released all the bad feelings surrounding that cabin and embraced the good. I was thrilled the creek was gone, and I didn’t need to escape to it anymore!
I turned to see my husband and boys watching me and smiled through tears and have never been so thankful for all I have in my life. For all the bad that was endured has lead me to this exact moment in my life. I have learned nothing is more precious than this moment in time. Every minute of every day to have my family, to have my amazing friends, and to have struggled, but to have learned so much. How to love, how to forgive, how to embrace the bad to find the good, how to hurt and how to heal. It’s all a journey. An ongoing journey to always be growing and learning and living; to just exist would be an insult!
I will never completely understand all the Why’s behind my sexual abuse, but what I do understand is this. It doesn’t define me, it is not who I am. I am a survivor and for whatever reason behind it, I was meant to have the life I’ve had and I could not make choices for myself as a child, but I can now and I chose to live the best life I can possibly have with my family, with my friends and with everything I love!
I hope and pray that you all too choose to live and not let your abuse define your life and who you are. Climb that mountain of healing and forgiveness, get out of victim role and step into survivor and take charge of your life. I’ll promise you this; you will not regret it when you get to the top of the mountain and look down on all that you’ve accomplished and find serenity!
I’ll be seeing you!
M.